On February 14th this wonderful year of the lord 2017 my husband of 22 years came home after another few days away. He has been seeing an old girlfriend from 26 years ago. Our future looks completely different now, no longer in love with each other. What I have learned from crawling out of a gray hole of the blues is the following. There is life after heartbreak that I am assured of and my future will be rewarding until my last day. Because I have survived for myself!
See he settled for me instead of her because as he stated she was to high maintenance. I should of seen this coming after all for years she has been his eternal number one.
We have to be fair our marriage was falling apart long before this time. We have been growing apart these past couple years. I have not dated outside or cheated on him. Early in our marriage it was agreed upon we would divorce BEFORE either of us would take that action. He forgot that part. My husband now at the time, is 53 years old and I am 60 years young. I have the saggy neck and arms but all in all not a bad looking mature women. I watch my weight and try to be presentably dressed in public. I worked for over 25 years and helped pay our household bills and raise my two children to adulthood. When we married I had two children from other relationships. I was a single working women, mother, and daughter to a wonderful supportive father. I miss my father daily!! What I did gain was a wonderful grown daughter that is my best friend, and rock. She and her husband have two beautiful children ages two and three, a boy and girl. I am a very blessed women.
What I forgot was to save as much money as I could during our relationship to make a graceful exit.
Ladies save your own money even if you can only put away a dollar a week, do it!
I am on disability and he is paying our mortgage, taxes, and the majority of bills.
We live in a community property state of Texas so thank goodness.
I took three days to mourn the passing of the years we spent the positive moments we
shared, and the wonderful things we used to be to each other.
You will get over the lost love, broken heart, and fear of loneliness, I promise. It will get better with time. Grab your pillow, cry scream, puke, and wallow in your pain embrace your heartache. What comes next is letting go. That is a big one ladies and gents I am not going lie to you. It hurts like hell for awhile so get it all out. If you pray go there for some that is the answer to see the light again. My way was a grief stair step.
Look up the steps for grieving the end of a relationship.
I was a former researcher in my career so I google everything now. It is my old school encyclopedia, therapist, friend, confident, and my link to current knowledge. All hail Google. Some of you won’t understand why I am hailing Google to that I say look it up
Why am I writing all this personal dirty laundry for the world to read. It is not to gain sympathy, but after researching our unique situation if even one women reads this and finds comfort it is worth it. Currently as of February 21, 2017 my soon to be ex-husband and I are sharing the house. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for little over two years. Due to Texas being a state of community property this is our reality right this moment. I am not going anywhere, I say in my best Darth Vader voice. You got to find humor in any situation it is better for me than crying. I choose this alternative. How does separated but living under the same roof happen to work? Actually not as hard as some people might think. Due to finances, my lack of dedication to walk away with nothing I still live here. Next I am sharing how to live together separately.
After the tears, blame stage, and arguing, next you must decide how your going to communicate with your EX. Oh I like that EX that will be the monitor I will use from now on. See your not actually divorced yet but the hearts have changed direction and in our case there is NO absolutely NO going back. Our relationship is over now we must work to be civil to cohabitate for the time being.
After researching how to live separated under the same roof here is what I learned. The absolute first thing on your list, oh I am a list maker and so far that has served me well on my way to recovery. Now you have to communicate with your EX and not the way your heart and head might scream you do so. Calm down as hard as that can me.
Communication is very important since there are household and personal issues you must discuss. Especially if there are children involved.
In our case my children are grown, we never had any together.
I came up with the idea to email each other. Since we had each others email I started with the request that we talk in that fashion. Ironically he works and comes home currently so it would be easy to actually speak to him if I wanted to.
For my insanity sake this is not a choice for me. I am afraid that my mouth will say what I am really thinking. We have two small children under this roof that don’t need to learn new words rather not that kind of language.
Let’s catch up for a moment, I have gone through the stages of grieving, heartbreak, and
have moved straight to survival. I have a sensitive heart and am a optimistic soul.
I refuse to let this situation destroy me as I have to much to continue to live for in my life. Some people find that they seem to find themselves reliving their misery over and over again. That is not an option for me since I am involved with two small children’s lives. I won’t have them remember me as a bitter, sad, grieving, grandmother. Hell no won’t go that way for sure.
Time to make changes as small as they may be baby steps towards a brighter future. Don’t let your pain become a mental habit seek help from family, friends, therapist, girlfriends, and keep looking until you find someone that has been here. I will tell you we are at every turn of the corner. I am a classic myself, husband left me for his first true love, a younger women to boot. You got to laugh at that, I almost do and soon I will.
Instead of looking at the past concentrate on forward thinking. Making changes in your environment, hairstyle, just anything that breaks up the look of the daily routine you experienced when you with your EX. Remember this do what is best for you and your children. Or if alone like me do you, go shopping for a new shirt, cell phone, or just fix yourself up. Pull yourself up listening to your favorite music or visit with a dear friend. It is time to be selfish and make yourself smile as often as possible. See yourself in the future this takes the practice of visualization which has to be learned. It is to see your EX in a different light. I am to literal thinking so I formatted my own self therapy path.
Disclaimer time: I am paraphrasing to you in my own words and opinion the results of several articles that I have read from relationship experts. These tips are a result of the path that I have decided to take in my life.
If you decide that your marriage is worth saving don’t take my advice. To everyone that may read this keep in mind I am just one woman going through a recent very bad breakup and trying to take the high road to recovery. My career degree is in marketing and sales and in no way does that make me a professional therapist.
In time you will learn to step out of the memories, leave behind what was good and bad about your relationship. Now this takes time and working on yourself in lots of positive ways helps in your recovery. I love flowers so I surround myself with fresh daisies, never walk out of my house without looking my very best. Listen to lots of uplifting music, watch movies, go out dancing, and take walks. Now this is your time just do anything that boosts your self esteem and moods.
Living in the same house during separation is not the easiest thing to do and there are numerous articles on the subject from life coaches and the likes of Huffington Post and the pages of women’s magazines, so we won’t attempt to tell you how to go about managing your day to day life.
Maintaining separate households.
The court will expect you to say that you literally do not share anything
Here are a list of things that you cannot do if you want to maintain that you have been living separately in your divorce and you will need to go into some detail how this works if the judge queries your arrangements which are initially set out in the divorce petition.
- Sharing meals
- Sharing a bedroom
- Socialising together
- Sharing a bank account
- Sharing children activities
- Sharing the shopping
- Eating meals together
Extracted from How To Mend Your Broken Heart by Paul McKenna and Hugh Willbourn (Bantam Press, £7.99). ° 2003, Paul McKenna and Hugh Willbourn.